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‘Fuck off. Who the fuck are you? Jesus fucking Christ what’s it to you? What the fuck do you fucking want? Yer fucking useless waste of space, yer fucking stupid idiotic cunt, nah, nah, get out of my fucking face yer fat cunt and leave me alone.’

‘Now I git it why you’re upsit,’ said the Kiwi, his voice high and mild.

‘Upset, you useless piece of shit? I’ll give yer fucking cunting upset, you bastard.’

‘B-b-but it would hilp to talk, chick out some thoughts, it’s nicissary for you to ixpress yoursilf …’

‘If I could fucking move I’d fucking express maself, I’d wring yer fuckin neck. Just get to fuck … right?’

‘Yis, Grunt … I understand.’

‘Away back to Australia yer stupid speccy bastard, yer useless cunt. Someone should have drowned ye at birth.’

And so it continued. Lying on my back, silently chortling, I was joined by one of the nurses, who dashed in behind my half-pulled curtain, stuffing her apron in her mouth to silence the giggles. We shared a wonderful private, silent moment of hilarity. It was the first time I had laughed since the accident.

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