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Those bastards! The baseball moguls are like the Holocaust deniers. Baseball is making so much fucking money. I just can’t understand why they won’t do the decent thing and help me out.

I don’t want you to think this is a story of disappointment and loss. It’s not. Well, yes it is, but it’s also a story of great fun and amazing memories. My baseball stories are every bit as colorful as Jim Bouton’s in Ball Four. I played with Tom Seaver, Tug McGraw, Frank Howard, and Gates Brown. I was managed by Roberto Clemente, Ted Williams, and Billy Martin. I had sex with Chicago Shirley; I almost got shot after a teammate picked up a stripper. My teammates and I once threw a dead shark into a motel pool and scared the hell out of a bunch of senior citizens. Tug McGraw and I slept with the same woman. And I almost hit Willie Mays in the head with a pitch.

My story is also a story of redemption. My ex-wife had her own problems with alcoholism, and she got help around the same time that I did. As a result, we have found each other again, and I have been able to reunite with my two talented daughters. I may be blind, but I can still see what’s important.

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