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I would be a hypocrite but I can’t also deny the fact that I have special attachment to one of the student like I don’t have to anyone else. I like his personality, unique being and childish features in character. I hope for nothing but I can’t imagine my life without him at the same moment. As far as I see he is not interested at me at all, I am just a person who delivers the knowledge he would like to have in possession, we can’t be even friends. I am a lost case, I know I am the one of those who has crushes on people, loving the strange kinds of population, but never being loved back. Anyway, I will brace my energies and get the life not harassing others.’

I bet you speculated who that special student was. At least I avowed to myself what I really felt about him even if I continued to cram my feelings into a trash bin of my subconsciousness.

Chapter 4

Have you ever felt yourself empty to death? When you are dead among living, you walk, you breathe, you integrate with others but mentally you have been dead for quite a time. You cry but tears do not come out because the hole inside you is so enormous that everything is switched off. You feel like you are losing your humanity, all your senses are lost in oblivion of your delusions. However self-hatred is always with you, it is the only sense you are not able to get the grips with and throw away from your life. You detest yourself for every missed opportunity for every piece of time you lost, for things you have never done, for things you have done. This syndrome of living death is called binge eating.