Читать книгу Unspoken words онлайн

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Why am I talking about it? Because at that period of time I had massive problems with it. I just got used to eating like a horse it was my normal way of being. Realizing that I was unable to get what I wanted, miserable existence and no work prospects erking up to my condition even more. Besides I had no desire to heal. 4 fucking years of being fucked up, all kinds of drastic diets, pills, quick remedies, going around a dead end circle, when nothing worked. I was exhausted to nuts. I didn’t want to be cured, all I wanted to be exposed to the voidness and sink in it as a wrecked ship. And of course having crush on Haim I was realizing that I would never have a boy like this and that he was nice to me only because of his upbringing. A translucent boy with refined taste would date a girl from a sophisticated book, as I imagined her she would be pale with deep-expressed cheek and clavicle bones. She would wear long blond hair and had half a smile of an angel with complexity of her glance. She would be as a morning coffee, the first thing you wish to see after the awakening, smelling so appealingly causing to be wanted to pour down in her or a book which can’t be put down as it has grabbed you to pieces. And here was me: clumsy, boyish girl who lost her looks and figure with a quirky sense of style and views on life. The girl who gave up as a bad job on herself. Every day I wake up with determination to change, with a plan to follow to get back my perfect looks, to start from the blank and every day I failed. That personal clash was obscuring and still I didn’t lose hope on myself, I believe I would be healed at some point of my life span. It had already started as consciously I understood my problem, I had the will for things to be changed and that was already something. However, before I started to talk about how I believed that I could be rehabilitated yet another time. I had one more story to share with you as it was one of a paramount importance for me once. One more story how I was dependent on having someone special in my life.