Читать книгу I Am Nobody. Confronting the Sexually Abusive Coach Who Stole My Life онлайн

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If you haven’t been abused, please give freely of your love and support to those who have been abused, for we need you and your help more than you can ever know.

But if you have sexually abused another, pay your debt to society and get all the help you need to ensure that it will never, ever happen again—for it can never, ever happen again. Accept responsibility for what you have done, no matter how unfair it may seem to you, and accept all of the consequences you may have to endure because of your actions, all of the restrictions you will face in your future. Respect your victims. Do not make excuses. Do not in any way minimize the impact ‑of what you have done to your victims. Do not try to pretend that there was any good you may have done along the way that could in any way offset even part of the bad that you have done. Failing that, go to hell.

PROLOGUE

I AM NOBODY

I’M STANDING IN the parking lot of a local community hockey arena. The rink—plain, rectangular, designed like an industrial warehouse—could be anywhere. It’s a cool, still, gray day in the middle of a Canadian winter, snow gently falling, the type of day where every kid should be outside skating and playing, living life to its fullest. It makes me think back to all the hours we spent playing hockey outside, how good it felt to skate with the wind at our backs, how brutally awful it was to have to turn around and skate back into it. In an instant I am again feeling that cold air biting through my equipment, I am remembering how it felt to freeze into my own sweat. For a moment it’s real, and I want to fall back into it, I want to give myself completely over to the memory of the sound of our skates squeaking as we stood and rocked back and forth in the intense cold, listening while our coaches set out the next drill. I want to be that kid again, getting ready for the next drill while sniffling back a runny nose in the thick fog of our heavy breathing, all of us needing to start moving again to generate some body heat. I can even smell the hot chocolate that was always served to us when we were very young and came inside after our battle with the elements, the true victors being those who could get their skates off quickest and be the first to grab the hot water bottles to warm their frozen feet.