Читать книгу I Am Nobody. Confronting the Sexually Abusive Coach Who Stole My Life онлайн

7 страница из 89

Still, even after all of these years, after years and years of therapy, I don’t really get it. None of it ever really makes sense.

We all live with our inner voice, the one that is always with us. It is the voice from which we cannot run, the constant in our life that brings us back to our reality, no matter how good we may try to make things look to others in our social media postings, in our daily lives with our smiles and our banter, in our routine comings and goings. Our inner voice does not express an objective truth but rather the way we see ourselves in our world. My inner voice has tormented me:

Why did this happen?

How did it happen?

Who were you?

Who are you?

I can try to explain it, but deep down I just don’t know. I can say all the words, but they are empty, meaningless attempts at ascribing reason to something so outside the realm of what could even be contemplated as a remotely reasonable experience. And that’s what makes all of this so difficult to live with. That’s what makes his abusing me so horrific to me. I don’t understand how it happened to me. I may never be able to understand and accept to my core what happened, why it happened, and how it happened. I understand at an intellectual level how a victim can become powerless and succumb to a predator, but I still do not fully accept that it could have happened to me, that it did happen to me.